settle

the presumption has given way:
that the me
that lay beneath many layers—
of upbringing
of ritual
of mimicry
of sheer terror
of hope
of ambition
of expectation
of acceptance
of grand denial
of distortion
of falsehood
of disingenuousness—
that this was the stuff of destiny
the soil of some new transcendence

the boundless hubris of youth
now tempered
or maybe tethered
is wiser as a gelding
than that fitful colt
ever dreamed—
let alone aspired—
to be
its energies
better directed
and not spent
in reckless spinning

the presumption has given way
to a treaty of sorts
an arbitrated compromise
the stark blacks and whites
traded for soft, muted, thoughtful grays
the sharpness gone the way
of the effortless lean torso
sleepier
fatter
more tolerant
I sleep the unchallenging sleep
of an early middle age
that will be long in passing.

March 05

transcience

fragile balance
between conflict
and reconciliation
relationships reel
precariously
unaware of
their perilous proximity
to ruin
and restoration
undercutting
any perception
of permanence to either pole
a single thoughtful
or thoughtless
word
can upset
or redeem
at any moment

delicate security—
even the tenured
tread a tenuous line
nothing corporate
about companies
no family in business
just more flavors
of dysfunction
no real fixtures
none irreplaceable
all here and gone
from peak to trough
stars rise and fall
fast forgotten
years of daily convergence
now stifled silent
awkward to mourn the living
never truly unpack
always ready
to resume

slow drip
imperceptible passage of time
the prosaic dulls
and lulls
to an impossible conclusion
that what is gold
or at least green
could stay
atrophe sets
cells mutate
virus breeds
random factors collide
violently
and the timeline
no longer infinite
commissions a reckoning
of all assets
analysis put off for darker days
more urgent days
now so immediate
the urgency is surreal

were we ever
are we ever
really Here

March 06

gospel II

the spirit gives life
life without wind is dead calm
sail on, all free hearts

October 05

gospel I

all hardwired for hope
any message without it 
a grave disconnect

October 05 

mmw

where are you in this one

every day her heart weakens
a thousand hearts break
what effect from such cause
this whisp of a frame
this wheeze of a breath
this candle flame
cannot withstand your holy wind
a fire this slight cannot be fanned
only fueled
or doused
is there any method
to this madness

little one
do you sense
this enormity
the wall of emotions
erected around you
do you hear our songs
do you hear the fear
that we strain to hide
do you know we’re here
do you feel alone
do you dream
does God talk to you
do you want to stay
do you have a say
can you possibly know
what we would pay
to bathe you
in our very ordinary home
to see you sleep on daddy’s chest
to hold you without this matrix of tubes
to touch you without dread
to experience a shred
of normalcy
do you sense
the lifetime of hopes
concentrated
focused
squandered if need be
into a marathon of weeks
of vigil
of roller coaster adrenaline highs
of canyons of numbness
of gasping, feverish
desperate, anguished
sorrowed, insane
howls
of prayers
and pleas
and bargains
and demands
and wordless cries
prayers for the very faith to pray
to buoy them
and carry them beyond
your tent of air 

how long
can we pray
at a ceiling
at a wall
how long can we find solace
in shared suffering of
well-meaning others
who cannot know
who I beg will never know
the misery of this minute
is there a threshold
when our waning belief
has given way
to absolute dependence
when we are there
will that be enough
can we truly change your mind
or just hope to be
on the right side
of your terrible tide 

we have to believe
your heart’s in this
so onward we will pray
knowing you can
but wondering
if on the next page
awaits a story we can bear
wondering if
your will
is something we can accept

January 06