late october

fall finally fell
superior summer’s scraps
now wind whipped away

October 2007

what we do all day

somewhere along the way
we forgot how to be kids
we squared our shoulders
set our jaws
projected our income
assumed the positions
and set to work
but way far back
when we practiced to be adults
we assumed every role
played hard at it—
firefighter teacher
police officer soldier
shopkeeper hairdresser
construction worker engineer
professional athlete rockstar
even mommy and daddy—
and in the work of play
we found fun
in the possibilities
knowing, believing
the possibilities were there
and we could choose them
as surely and easily
as picking the next game

somewhere along the way
dreams of wearing a costume
that becomes a uniform
and taking on heroic tasks
and finding glory
in the power of our possibilities
gave way
to what we do all day
nothing more
and increasingly less

so we try to work out
the disturbing disparity
between dream and reality
we settle
for being let down
by the maddeningly inevitable
smallness of people
(ourselves not excepted)
and our acceptance of that
by the shelving of dreams
by our giving in to inertia
by the slow increasing droop
of our shoulders
we come to terms
with voluntary servitude
to the perceived security of a paycheck
to desperately desired kudos
that when given ring hollow
we look ahead, always
to the end of the day
to Friday
to three-day weekends
to holidays
to vacations
and to retirement
when we’ll finally live off our interests
and maybe discover stronger principles

for now, though
we build the 401K
stockpile our vacation days
check the company stock
keep our ears to the ground
and our heads down
and while booting our PCs
we spy strange faces
staring back from black monitors
and wonder when
we began to look so tired
we examine the deepening furrows
in our restless brows
then half-smile back
shake off the gloom
and remind ourselves
this is not who we are
this is what we do all day

October 2007

ross, sr.

I cried
when my granddaddy died
as much for who I’d missed
as who I’d miss
he was almost mythic
in life knowledge
by the time I thought
to think outside my own head
I knew it would be a long time
before I’d know him again
and I’ll do better next time

his heart was big as Texas
shaped, formed and placed
by his loving Daddy
who built his house on the rock
who proved sound and sure
through dustbowls
depressions great and small
and cancers of every kind
a progenitor
who witnessed
nearly a century’s transformation
from frontier land
to new frontier
a patriarch
who witnessed
freely with all
a quiet, consistent strength
unshakeable faith
folksy humor
a father
whose only agenda
was to love his family
like it was the most natural
and most sacred
thing to do
a man
whose senses waned
as are wont to do with age
but whose wit
proved loyal to the end
we strained
to make our voices heard to him
and kidded ourselves
that his was a life
condemned to silence
he wasn’t fooled a moment
he wore the contented smile
of a man enraptured
by inner symphonies
many will never hear
he defied death
and embraced life
and loved without preference
like it was the most natural
and most sacred
thing to do

I smile at the memory
of my granddaddy
and I grieve
not that we won’t meet again
but for all the time until then
and all the time
I was oblivious
to obvious greatness
that even though
I am now someone’s daddy
I am still three years old
going on 4
riding cross country
in a fine American luxury sedan
past a world of natural wonders
in the back seat
mere inches behind
one of the most amazing
works of ordinary clay
God saw fit to fashion
and for all that
I can’t get past
the novelty of his hat
and am more intent
on spotting the next Dairy Queen
I know a little better, though,
to think outside my head
I know it will be a while
before I’ll know him again
and I’ll do better next time

October 2007

sorry me

I wonder—
if you get sick of me
like I am sick of me:
the tired predictability
the shopworn confessions
the innumerable
futile “I will”s
the overarching ambition
the lackluster execution
the tripping, falling
the cannonballing
into pits in plain view
the adamant refusal
to try to tame the tongue
the decades old digging in
to an indefensible
infuriatingly defensive position
the waging of war
in defiance of the armistice
and the proven superiority of
and even a personal preference for
peace

I hope—
your capacity for grace
your willingness to forgive
your ability to love
is as big as I
in my truest clarity
and darkest doubts
believe it must be
you promised
never to leave me
to align with me
in the face of everything
the world—and I—
can muster
I don’t remember why you did
—if I ever knew—
I only know
the only response
to such love
is love
as immense as I can aim for
and as paltry as I can produce
I cannot promise
to ever give
what you deserve
or mirror
what you provide
only that I
with a wondering,
hopeful heart
will throw everything I am
at this worthy task
and pray to be up to it

October 2007

driveby

good morning
I’ll be honest
not awake just yet
but working on it
ok start with thanks
no, wait, it’s A
A-C-T-S, right
A for adoration
adore
I will adore
I adore you
(who says that)
you’re so great
you’re, um, mighty
let’s see, descriptors
words David used
think psalmy words
extol magnify praise
no, my words
you’re so big
and I’m so small
and that’s fine
thanks that in your bigness
you care about me
thanks for a new day
for letting me be part of it
for air in my lungs
for being healthy
waking up next to my best friend
for the amazing little girl
sleeping in the next room
and that she’s still sleeping
wait
I’m thanking again
I could really use some coffee
thanks for coffee
you’re so much better than even coffee
C – confess
easy enough
I confess
you give me everything I need
and so much beyond
and yet I find a way to want more
to believe there’s things I lack
I’m such a jerk in the car
I get so mad so quickly
I’m sorry
I make everything about me
how can I reward me
how can I get one more. . .whatever
all me
help me to see what you see
help me to care about
what you care about
help me to be so about others
that I don’t notice me
ooh good scripture on this one
last 2 verses of that one Psalm
is it 139?
no, no, probably should’ve started there
um, get to the ask
create in me a clean heart
renew a right spirit within me
please make me new
I want to be more like you
less like me
now go for T
you hit some of this already
thanks for my family
my home
a great job
a wonderful church
a community of friends
for taking care of every need
before I even know it’s there
help me not to worry
about keeping everything
to just be glad I have today
every every good thing I have
is from you
not because I earned it
not because I’m smart
not because I’m talented
or clever or shrewd
but because you are good
you are a Father that delights
to give good things
and I just want to bask in that
thank you
thank you
thank
I should probably listen, too
be still a bit
it’s a conversation, right?
just two friends talking
do I know your voice?
prayers for others
is that ___’s car behind me?
it looks like __ Toyota
no, that’s an old woman
hello, praying!
where was I?
supplicate, S
pray for others
so many sick people
pregnant people
lost jobs
cancer scares
facing death
depression
bless them all
do I pray global
or just stick to the people I know
I haven’t prayed for ___ in a week
and __’s supposedly my great friend
do I have to pray for you to act?
of course not!
why do I pray then?
why does anyone?
do I know you any better
than I did ten years ago?
I suck at this!
I’m such a poser
so together!
so solid!
shit.

oh, still praying

maybe I’ll just turn on NPR
I’m almost to work anyway
God loves me and I can’t earn it
I can’t decide to know Him better
and it just happens
how can I go for so long at a time
and not talk to someone
who is supposedly my best friend?
why pretend that He is?
why not just admit
that the whole thing
just overwhelms me sometimes
and all I can do
is argue with myself in my head
until I run out of words
and just sit there
in silence

maybe something to that

October 2007