fool’s errand

results
of my “I” exam
are in:
I’ve been 3 prescriptions off
for years
which explains
the blurred vision,
occasional running into walls
and the damnedest headaches
now I am hyper-aware
of the newness of these lenses
I’m editing all the texts
scrubbing all the data
I thought amounted
to stable premises
they seemed sturdy enough
close enough
but this ain’t horseshoes
hand grenades
or H-bombs
and it sure ain’t government work
this is much more dire
far more vital
nailing this
is no less crucial
than the fact of
4 well placed nails
that hold fast all of history
past present future
nails we all know
and don’t know
too well

all my realizations
every hint of satisfaction
at my understanding
of grace
the drumbeat of volunteerism
the gleeful giving
the increasingly rote nature
of worship
study
community
was just another work

until the premise
the grand unifying theme
is death
until I can be
perfectly at home
with the concept
the reality
that I have nothing to give
nothing to add
to either side
of the Divine Equation
that my greatest efforts
at sin and atonement
are inconsequential
only so much dust
until then
I will get the headaches
I will bump and beat
my head against walls
I will unnecessarily suffer
and cause
heartache
and I will be
not there
but just here
so achingly close

there is a quaint joke
that in a children’s Bible class
the right answer
to every question
is Jesus
until I master that
until I can digest
that grain of truth
until that seed
finds its purchase
until I realize
that becoming like a child
and acting like one
aren’t the same thing
I will keep saddling my camel
looking for a needle’s eye
to try to pass through–
truly a fool’s errand–
yet I am not yet
foolish
or childish
enough

January 2009